Skelatophobic

Today while I was walking through the kitchen at school I smelled the exact smell I used to smell (too many "smell"s) when I would open my paper bag lunch at day camp. Then it kind of turned into elementary school. And then it stayed there cause I used to eat french fries and ice cream in high school for lunch. In elementary school for the first two years (1st and 2nd grade, I mean) my mom made me peanut butter and jelly every day. I feel really bad about it now, but near the end of second grade I started throwing my pb&js into the garage barrel unwrapped because I was bored of them. I forget how my mom found this out but she was appalled (of course) and perhaps the only thing that killed her shock was that at least the custodian was picking them off the top of the trash to eat anyways. They were, after all, unwrapped. That's when my mom decided to introduce some variety into the lunchbag and so began the daily lunch with a muffin at the center. We went to Paul's Bakery downtown on the corner and I got orange muffins with those crunchy little squares of sugar on top. At school I would give each of the guys at my lunch table a little bit cause I was soooo cooool. Brian (John's brother) and Scott and maybe OJ were included in this. I bet those guys don't even remember that, but I store away details like my brain is a filing cabinet. In the same vein of being cool like/with the guys, I bought a Grateful Dead pendant in 5th grade. I didn't know it was a Grateful Dead symbol. I just knew it was a skull with a lightning bolt in it and it was badass in a way that guys thought it was badass. I already didn't care too much for chicks. Later on I started to wonder if it would bring me bad luck cause it was a skull and I'd always been afraid of skeletons, so I buried it into all my other jewelry.

Perhaps I'm the only one- no wait, Z has all these fears too- but when I was little, I was afraid of skeletons under the bed. Nevermind that I had all sorts of shit underneath my bed, boxes of toys and what-have-you, but there were apparently skeletons under there too. If I had to get up to go to the bathroom, I had to take a flying leap off the end of the bed towards the doorway and run into the hall. On the way back I had to jump from the hall to the end of the bed. And remember to never NEVER let a hand or foot hang off the bed, cause then something could snatch it. I didn't like the dark either and, contradictory to Calvin's theory of the monsters getting you in your sleep, I preferred falling asleep faster because then I wouldn't have to think about it. I protected myself by putting my covers over my head and my blasted parents continually foiled my plans to stay safe by pulling my covers down while I was asleep. Something about air; I forget. Given what I've already told you, you can imagine my chagrin after seeing "The Monster in My Closet" at school. This opened new doors, literally, because my dad had to push the door all the way open before he left my room. If it was halfway open/closed, something could hide behind it. The closet doors had to be all the way closed because something could be in there. The nightlight I had throughout my childhood was convenient for reading way later than my parents wanted me to be up, but I shut it off around the age of 11, citing that with the light off, ghosts could get me, but with the light on, a potential axe murderer could see me, and murderers were undoubtedly real-er than ghosts. Yes, this was my logic.

In addition to those fears, I disliked being in front of people. It wasn't a fear, but I still hated it. I remember a year where I was at Sewataro Day Camp with Jeremy or that god awful camp with the ants all over the field with Monika and each group was supposed to do something in front of everyone else. My group was supposed to dance to some song and we rehearsed in the mess hall. That was kind of fun, but when we got to the point where we were to do this in front of a giant audience, I came to terms quickly with the fact that this was going to be the gayest thing ever and as my group started dancing (individual and separate dances at that) I inched myself around a giant tree at the back of the "stage" and stood there until the song was over, sparing myself inevitable humiliation. I doubt 50 8 year olds would've thought of my dance as any worse than the rest of the white kids jumping around me, but I wasn't gonna go for it. As a side note, I totally redeemed myself at Camp Becket as one of the last two people of my group onstage, singing a three sentence duet with Meredith.

So anyways, I was at school when I thought of this. Everyone walks around with their little packs of needles and moxa and yaks about particular points and I'm here doing science courses and I realized the science courses have totally been killing my passion for this field. I've been going through the motions like with everything else and thinking of another three years here as me being apart from S.O. for another three years and me not being able to live where I want (like Amherst) for another three years. Originally I was excited about going to the school and I really like this area most of the time, en0ugh to spend three more years around here anyways, as long as I'm doing something cool. I've been going here for almost two semesters now and the problem is that I'm starting to consider the school a place to go for Chemistry and Physics and not a place to learn about Chinese medicine and all that shit I like to read about. Fuck you, Chemistry! You're making me sad!

Chemistry really does suck tho. My teacher is useless, he just reads from the slides. I might as well not even go to class. To make matters worse, I was sick today and was up and down to get tissues from the bathroom and I hate being that person. I still have to finish my chapter from last week and half of it is totally incomprehensible to me. There are tons of practice problems and I don't even get the basics that I need to know to do them. Stupid Chem, I was supposed to be able to avoid these courses. Thankfully, after I finish that and the other chapter, I only have two chapters in Physics and I actually understand some of that bullshit. I'm seriously considering not taking any sciences next semester, or maybe just one if its on an evening I have work. That way I can actually go see S.O. on my days off and feel like I had any kind of break from my job. I'd like to pick up more overtime too. Oh money, the bane of my existence. Kind of.

Maybe I'll go out for one night next week, but it gets more doubtful all the time.