Kids Costumes Suck Nowadays- Come On, Parents!!

Tonight is Halloween and, in typical C fashion, I spent the evening stressing out and poring over a Chemistry take home that made me very seriously consider suicide. Chemistry is not my cup of tea and if I fail the world might just actually and finally end. I'm sort of surprised that it hasn't before. I wonder what it all means...

After I sat down and got all my notes spread out on the table and had my tea and honey and pens and calculator, someone rang the doorbell. I wondered if they were selling Girl Scout cookies or something. That's how much Chemistry fucks up my brain. When I opened the door there was a cute little kid in a tiger costume. I had to apologetically tell his mom I didn't have any candy. Which sucked. So I grabbed my keys and drove down the road and grabbed some and came back and pulled over near the family, who was putting the baby carriage away in their trunk and who were also now looking rather confused. I told them how I'd meant to get candy but forgot and they reminded me so here it was. I didn't want to be the weak house who had the lights on but was not handing out candy.

Some little kids came by and were super cute, but some big kids who I never see around the complex were doing the rounds too and they were much less pleasurable to give candy to. They only looked down at their bags and their outfits were lame 50% of the time. The first larger little turd was just wearing a red shirt with numbers across the front. I guess he was an inmate? I don't know. What I do know is that my mom used to slave over a sewing machine on the floor of our den for weeks to make quality costumes out of fabric and patterns. Everything I ever wore for Halloween was hand-made by my mom. So, let's see how much I can remember.

Years Old:

1. Pumpkin

2. Elf

3. Nun

4. Fairy Princess (I couldn't decide which one.)

5. Wonder Woman

6. Wonder Woman again

7. Stegosaurus (The costume was purple with yellow spikes and plates and some kids dad during the school Halloween parade said to his kid, "Look, its Barney!" and I was so pissed. Barney is a purple and green Tyrannosaurus rex with yellow spots Goddamnit. Don't you fools know the difference??)

By the way, I just realized right now that the name "Tyrannosaurus Rex" is derived from the word "Tyranny". Wow, this is one of my Cheerios moments. And also, how the fuck did my mom sew upright-standing stegosaurus plates?

8. Jasmine (of Aladdin fame)

9. Jasmine again, cause why the hell not.

10. ?

11. ?

12. Witch

13. Witch

And then in more recent years- I was a genie my Junior year and I looked DAMN GOOD. I was going to be Bettie Page senior year, but I wasn't confident about my homemade top, despite the fact that it made my boobs look crazy good. Last year I threw together a last minute Cruella DeVille and a customer at work told me how that's who his 10 year old daughter was going as this year. Figuresss. This year I'm going as Aeon Flux and I hope to god I don't gain 5 pounds in the next 24 hours. I think I'd definitely have to kill myself then. Or drink copious amounts, which I might do anyways. Hey, I guess it'll all work out!

By the way, what was everyone else?